


Hiraeth

by impendingcorruption



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Death, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Nightmares, Trauma, Violence, i mean there’s fluff later on, oof just sad thingz, sort of redemption
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23304385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impendingcorruption/pseuds/impendingcorruption
Summary: In which the MC relives the memory of their death every night since it happened, followed by confusion of their feelings towards Belphegor and his brothers- and whether or not they will truly get over their hiraeth.Hiraeth; a welsh word describing the feeling of missing something, perhaps a homesickness, for something that you cannot explain. It could be a missing timeline, an era, a person, or a home that no longer exists, or never did.
Relationships: Belphegor & Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Belphegor (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s), Belphegor (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader
Comments: 59
Kudos: 281





	1. Recluse

**Author's Note:**

> This has spoilers for the game, so if you haven’t read it up to chapter 16, don’t read it. Also, the MC is gender neutral in this story.

”To _think that I’d be saved by a human...!”  
  
Belphegor snickered, a sort of amusement flowing through him at the thought of being rescued by _ **_you_ ,** _a mere human._

_He laughed again, practically drowning in his joy. “It really is ironic!” You shifted slightly, uncomfortable in his sudden happiness, which was rather quite suspicious._

_He stopped and turned to you, his attention focused on you solely. Revisiting it now, it may have been the look of a predator looking down upon their prey._

_”In any event, MC, all I can do is thank you.” He smiled brighter, “Now I can finally achieve what I set out to do!”_

_Then he opened his arms wide, signalling you for a hug. That very action diminished any flame of suspicion or doubt you had on him- a decision that you would soon come to regret._

_Happily enough, you accepted his hug- feeling absolutely content and prideful at the fact that you had managed to let him out of the attic- whether it was really you or not._

_He then sighed, his chin on your shoulder. “Ah... this really brings back memories. This feeling...” His body then went rigid slightly, as though he attempted to keep a sort of coldness to him. “I wonder how long it’s been since I’ve touched a human?”_

_The air shifted dramatically, your brain slowly gearing into fight or flight mode._

_”So, MC...”_

_His attire changed completely. The air turned cold and frosty, replicating the aura coming off of him as he suddenly let go of you, slightly pushing you back- away from him. You cowered slightly at his dramatic change of personality._

_His form shifted, horns protruded out of his head and his clothes resembled those of a cow, with a gold horseshoe on his right side and a cow design sporting his left. A tail violently blew behind him, as though he was ready to attack and agitated._

_“...How can I express how I’m feeling right now? What can I do?” He looked at you with a look so cold that you swore you would have just froze over._

_Then once again, he changed. He switched personalities. He laughed like a madman, like a sociopath- like someone who relished the look of you in fear, cowering and shaking. But he was, he definitely was. You could see it in his eyes, damn it._

_And then, you were pinned to the wall, with one of his hands holding you in place by your throat, your toes barely touching the ground. A black, misty sort of aura became oh so visible around him, making itself violently clear to you._

_“You humans really are foolish, idiotic, weak creatures, aren’t you?” His head shook in a sort of disapproval, but you could tell he enjoyed it. He loved this feeling of empowerment. The air no longer reached your lungs and you feebly attempted to call for help._

_“You’re so stupid that I can’t help but laugh. Don’t blame me for tricking you, blame yourself for falling for it.” His eyes because glassy and glazed over, like he wasn’t there anymore._

_His claws dug deeply into your throat that you swore you could feel blood in your damn lungs. He gripped harder, only to throw you into the ground like a piece of trash.  
_  
_Your head hit first, blood dripped from your forehead and breathing was so hard that you were gasping for it, begging in your mind for somebody to save you from this **monster**._

_Your vision glazed over and tears gushed down your cheeks due to your helplessness and fear. You wanted to call for help, but your throat ached so bad that any attempt to talk felt like molten nails were being scraped down your throat._

_You raised your head and feebly attempted to crawl away, but Belphegor clamped his shoe on your back and held you down, then he raised his leg and kicked your back hard enough to the point where he either severely bruised you or fractured your spine._

_”If you die, the exchange program will be ruined, and Diavolo’s reputation will be in tatters.”_

_He didn’t consider you a person with feelings, he only considered you a pawn for him to break and cause havoc against the three realms with._

_“I **hate** humans, you see. **I hate them more than anything in the three worlds.** ”_

_He propped you up against the wall and kneeled in front of you as you moaned in absolute misery and pain. You swore that he was only a few seconds away from breaking your spine and rendering you unable to move._

_He gripped your face tightly, his claws digging into your soft skin and copper dripped down your cheeks, mingling with your tears as you waited for him to put an end to you._

_His hand wrapped around your shoulder, then smashed it against the wall as your arm lay limp and paralysed._

_With both hands on each side of your face, he continued._

_”Hehe, does it hurt? Finding it hard to breathe? I’m sure it must feel very unpleasant.”_

_He smacked the back of your head on the wall, a horrible feeling of liquid made your hair sticky and a strange shade of red._

_“I have to say, seeing a human face twisted in pain like this...” He stared at you, a sadistic smile on his lips._

_”...Why, it’s so much fun that I can barely stand it! I... I can’t contain the laughter!”_

_And with his horrible, amused laugh ringing in your ears, you succumbed to a dreamless sleep._

* * *

  
You woke up with a start, your chest heaving and your heart felt as though it were in pain. It hurt to breathe and tears gushed out like waterworks. It was surprising you didn’t scream as you woke up.

  
Sobs barely escaped your lips as your body shook with the intensity of your dream- rather, nightmare. There was barely any light peeking in from your bare window so you assumed it was late into the night, probably midnight.

Tear stains were everywhere on your pillow and your bed was rough and tousled. Your hands shook violently as they touched all the parts you were brutally injured with in your dream.

It still felt as though you were choking, even if you really weren’t. The weight of your emotions made your chest feel heavier than it should have, and you pondered if putting up a facade for your emotions was really possible at this point.

After you came back to life and you found out about your heritage, all did seem right for a while. Belphegor never really did apologise, but back then you let it go for the sake his brothers. They had only just got him back.

But in the back of your mind, you still had a sort of fear of Belphegor brewing in your head. Even if that was a different version of you, you still had those horrible memories.

And a few weeks later, when all had calmed down, the nightmares began. It would all feel so real until you woke up violently and thrashing around, defending yourself from someone that wasn’t there.

Everything had changed, and it hurt. You missed waking up early in the mornings and enjoying breakfast. You missed the happiness and contentment you felt having a life with everyone. With Lucifer too, even though he scared you.

You mourned the loss of your old life, hiraeth becoming ever so stronger in your everyday life.

You hadn’t noticed before, but things were just so much more tiring as of late.

The nightmares had such a toll on you that you just couldn’t wake up on time before. Dark circles positioned themselves under your eyes for what seems like forever. It was bad enough that even Belphegor winced seeing them.

Life felt so much more dreary and not worth it. Breakfast would not stay in your stomach, and you could barely look at Belphehor or even stay in the same room as him.

And yet, nobody noticed or cared. They didn’t care about how you felt from dying at the hands of Belphegor, or how it felt to just watch your other self disappear in Mammon’s arms.

Heck, Beel would probably have no problem with remaining oblivious as long as it meant that he’d have Belphegor back. Everyone seemed like that, too. Lucifer was even getting along with him a bit more than usual.

And you just didn’t have it in your heart to crush that for them. God, no. You loved them way too much.

So you tried to cry as silently as you could, gripping yourself with your head on your knees as you silently cried for the loss of yourself and the misery that became a part of your life from since then. Who were you to ruin that? Certainly not yourself, a mere human. They’d never understand anyway.

Human life spans were only a blip on their radar. They would live for thousands of more years to come, and you would be gone in a matter of decades.

A knock on your door shook you awake from your thoughts.

”Hey, MC? I’m coming in.”

In horror and complete surprise, you lay down on your bed and tried your best to make it look like you were sleeping.

The doorknob turned and a figure came in. Judging by the voice and the fact that you were peeling, it was Belphegor.

And still red eyed, with your nose sniffling and face a mess, you hid as much as you could and pretended to sleep as he came ever so closer to you.

He placed a gentle hand on your shoulder and shook you slightly, “I know you’re not asleep, cut the act.” Your heart lurched as you opened your eyes and could see him standing in front of you.

He was holding his signature pillow, the one with a cow based design on it, and a laptop with a CD.

”MC, if you can’t sleep, do you want to watch a movie with me? I could hear you moving around, even from my room!” He chuckled slightly, a smile on his face. He looked different than how he was from his dream. He looked calmer not, but you were still deathly afraid of him.

Speechless, you shook your head as your body shook from being in such close proximity to him. You didn’t wanna be near him, especially not now.

As cold and as _not_ cold you could be, you replied, ”No, I- I don’t. Please just go, I’m tired.” You could barely push the words out as your voice was raspy and your throat hurt, looking away from him.

His eyes narrowed in observation, “You look like you’ve been crying. Are you okay?” He tried to hold your hand, but then realised just how shaky it was.

”MC, seriously, are you okay?” He tried again, but you snatched your hand away and moved back, as far away from him as you could.

”Just go! Leave me alone!” You sniffled, your eyes darting everywhere but not on him. “I just wanna be alone. I don’t want you here... please.”

He was shocked at your sudden outburst, still standing there in disbelief as he nodded his head and tried to get a better look at you, but all you did was turn away, hiding your face in your hands.

He walked away, still holding his belongings in either hand as he left the room, not speaking a word. He stood outside your door for a second but then walked away. Thank goodness.

But then you realised how awkward it would be when you would have to face him at breakfast tomorrow. And what if he told Beel? Oh no.

You slapped yourself slightly, ashamed of what you had done. You just had to go ahead and ruin it, didn’t you? Now they’ll be asking you if you’re okay, smothering you in affection that you didn’t want.

Scolding yourself, you lay down once more and anxiety built up in your chest as you thought of tomorrow. What if they all start ignoring you because you can’t get along with Belphegor? What if Beel became uncomfortable with you because of Belphegor? What if everyone did?

That would mean that.. that you would have no one. That everyone would leave you behind and you would be forgotten. No friends, no family. And in the devildom, where demons are constantly looking to take your soul, that’s a horrible situation, if you were ever to find yourself in there.

What if you just let them eat you? You wouldn’t be much of a burden or home wrecker as you are now. And they probably wouldn’t even bat an eye. But then again, Lucifer wouldn’t want to have Diavolo’s exchange program ruined. Imagine the atrocity!

The walls felt so much more constricting now, in your room. The air felt hard to breathe and your body refused to listen to you. You were just so... tired from everything.

With a final glance at the time, you closed your eyes. Only a few more hours until you would have school. And that would be all the time you would need to imagine yourself in your original timeline, living a happy life. If only.

The world disappeared, and so did you, clutching onto your dreams as the way out of your own living nightmare.


	2. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The MC has a rough day and find comfort in a certain individual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains spoilers for chapter 16, so don’t read this if you haven’t read up to there. Also, the MC is gender neutral.

It is morning, and your eyes still barely open from the exhaustion of last night. You wished you had never woken up, the world is far too meaningless and tiring for a weak human like you.

You can tell it is early in the morning- just before 6 am. There is no sun in the Devildom, and so you have had to adjust your internal clock to the eternal darkness of this world.

No light creeps into your room to remind you that there is a new start to another day. That the past belongs in the past- yet your mind just can not correspond with that. It feels like everyday is the same.

The darkness is eternal and infinite, yet you are mortal and weak. Despite possessing pacts with the most strongest rulers of the Devildom, you are weak. You possess no magical power. You’re useless.

If a demon wished to devour you right this very second, you would be gone. There is no power within you to perform any spells, and so you are defenceless.

Already in a depressive state, you will your weary bones to move. In order to avoid the brothers, you would need an extremely early start to the day. Meaning, now.

You freshen up in the bathroom, noticing your horrible features on your face. Your skin is pale and hollow, dark circles have comfortably edged themselves under your eyes, your eyes are hollow and lifeless and your hair thin and dead. You look like a zombie.

Your RAD uniform is crumpled and messy from having thrown it on the floor the day before, not giving a single care for it in the world.

You quietly walk to the kitchen, with your school necessities and belongings in your bag that has been slumped over your shoulder. You grab a small carton of yoghurt to eat and walked to the door, making sure to be quiet so as to not wake any of them up or alert them.

There are barely any students by the time you get to school, but they are almost always the nice demons, the over achievers. As they say, the early bird catches the worm.

You walked to the courtyard, where many beautiful plants and wildflowers resided, making it a truly wonderful and bright place in RAD. You sat down on one of the benches and took out your yoghurt, peeling the plastic off.

Someone tapped your shoulder from next to you. The white hair gave it away immediately; Solomon.

”Hello, MC. I see you’re here quite early.” He greeted you with a lovely smile, but you could tell something was going on if you looked deeper into his eyes. He held onto a secret of some sorts.

”Hey.” You responded, nervous and flustered at the same time. You two didn’t talk often, despite being the only two human exchange students in the Devildom. He was quite handsome, too.

He was also a very powerful sorcerer, having made pacts with more than 72 demons- Asmodeus included.

But he was nice, and hadn’t hurt you at all. Well, yet. You hoped he wouldn’t, you actually liked him.

”You look tired today, MC. Had a rough night?” He observed you closely, his eyes still looking around your face as you slowly went red.

”I-uh, you could say that. I woke up sort of early and couldn’t sleep.” It wasn’t a total lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either.

”Huh, alright.” He was still smiling at you, his lips perfectly complimenting his beautifully sinister face.

Your cheeks reddened and you turned away, choking the rest of the yoghurt down. You were feeling way too nervous around him- you felt as though you were supposed to act a certain way around him.

You breathed in slowly. “Uh, I need to get to class now.” You adjusted your bag on your shoulders and stood up to walk away, when he called out behind you.

”Have a nice day, MC.” You didn’t look back, but responded. “You too.”

* * *

For the rest of the day, you spent your time avoiding everyone, especially Mammon. You knew he would be extremely pissed at you, but you didn’t care. Today was not a good day.

As cute and clingy as he was, you just needed to get away from everyone- you really did. You could understand why Lucifer was frustrated at them half the time- they can be quite a handful.

As the day ended, you were in your last class, the Devildom history. You only had Satan, Asmo and Solomon with you in this class. They sat away from you, but you could hear Asmo’s whispering from miles away. He was being seriously loud.

“You know what happened today? I tried talking to MC, and they literally ghosted me! I think there’s something up!”

Satan agreed with him, “You’re right. Mammon wouldn’t stop complaining today about how he couldn’t find MC.”

Solomon didn’t talk, but you could feel his stare from your spot in the class. You could almost hear his thoughts from how hard he was staring at you.

When the class ended, you packed up as fast as you could and almost ran from how fast you were, you didn’t want to talk to anyone at all.

You could hear Asmo and Satan yelling behind you, but you ignored them and ran away. You didn’t want to answer any of their questions, you don’t want to talk to them.

Your outburst yesterday with Belphegor made you wary of everyone else. You were worried if he had told them what happened, and then they would want to talk to you about it.

You didn’t want to talk about your feelings, you would break if you did. It scared you witless, it terrified you. You didn’t wanna ruin their relationship with Belphegor or you. You didn’t want to be selfish and hurt them with your stupid fear.

The minute you ran into the house, you could tell it was empty. There were no shoes lying around, and nobody was arguing. Perfect, you were by yourself, and there would be no one to bother you.

You kicked off your shoes and got to your room. You locked your door, put away your bag and slithered onto your bed, not having taken off your uniform. God, you were tired.

You wrapped the blankets around you and eased into the mattress. This way, you would feel better. You wouldn’t feel as bad as you usually did, you would feel great when asleep, you were able to finally escape from your wretched world. The world soon became indecipherable, indifferent.

You zoned out and fell into the darkness.

* * *

You woke up to the sound of chattering, laughter and arguing close by. The light creeped in from under your door and ended right at your face. Your room was extremely dark, a change from when you first got home.

You were still groggy and tired, but if you slept any longer then you wouldn’t be able to sleep for the rest of the night.

You were feeling pretty lonely, but to be honest? It may just be better this way. You wouldn’t feel hurt when the program ended and you had to go home, and you wouldn’t ruin a relationship that could last for thousand of more years.

You didn’t leave your room, but you kept your door locked and turned on the light. You decided you would pass the time playing Mononoke Land, a game that Levi introduced to you a while back.

It was quite interesting, and the time passed by quickly, but only by an hour. It was about 6 pm, so you still had a lot of time before you would need to sleep.

You felt jealous of everyone sitting in the living room, enjoying their evening. Asmo was probably painting his nails, Satan could be trying to read a book despite Mammon’s blabbering.  
  


You snickered a bit at the thought of Mammon being yelled at by Satan while Beel ate in the background, and Belphegor-

Oh. Belphegor would be napping, like always. You were jealous of that, as scared you were of him. You wanted the ability to sleep at any time you wanted to, despite the setting or time. It would be really convenient for right about now.

You could feel yourself getting sadder by the moment, but you didn’t know how to deal with it. You were lonely and scared, but you didn’t know where to turn to.

A ping from your DDD shook you from your thoughts, it looked like you got a text from Solomon.

_Solomon_

_Hello, MC, do you have a minute?_

_MC_

_Uh, yeah. Why?_

_Solomon_

_You left something behind at school and I forgot about it until now. I have your notebook with me, you forgot it at history._

_MC_

_OH, shoot. Should I wait for you tomorrow or come now? It’s only 6 pm._

_Solomon_

_The Devildom can be quite deceiving when it comes to the seasons, but it’s winter right now, and it’s dark. Don’t worry, I’ll be at the house of Lamentation soon. I wouldn’t want you to have your soul eaten._

You felt your cheeks turn red, _he didn’t want you to get hurt._

_MC_

_Thank you, Solomon. I’ll be waiting. Text me first, don’t ring the doorbell._

_Solomon_

_Got it._

You shut off your phone and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds, wondering about Solomon. Maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy after all, not that you thought he was. After all, he cared for you enough to not risk you getting hurt. How sweet of him.

You messed around on your phone for a bit while waiting for Solomon. You hanged around in your room idly, doing nothing in particular. You then got a notification from your phone. As it turned out, that new feature where you can look at other group chats that you’re not in got activated again.

In the group chat, there was a picture of Mammon on the front page news of Majolish, a fashion magazine. He was modelling again. Not gonna lie, he was actually quite handsome. His picture was like a breath of fresh air.

Asmo rambled on about him, surprised that his ‘scum my’ older brother got into the first page of Majolish. It was rather amusing, to say at the least.

_Solomon_

_MC, I’m here._

_MC_

_I’ll be out soon._

You wrapped yourself in a jacket, still in your uniform. You would have to wash that soon, you probably sweat in it a lot.

You tried your best to avoid everyone, making yourself as quiet as a mouse, you hoped. The floors creaked slightly, but they were all probably too preoccupied to notice.

You got to the front door and silently opened it, seeing Solomon outside. He was wearing his casual clothes, but still had that same look on his face. Handsome, too.

”Hello, MC.” He took your notebook out of his pocket and held it in front of you, with his arm stretched. You reached out to grab it, but he snatched it away and looked at you smugly.

”Let’s have a little chat, first. You owe me, don’t you?”

You dumbly stood there, gaping at him. Of course- this was Solomon we were falling about. He’s as sketchy as it could get.

”Oh- fine!” You said, trying your best not to sound pissed. 

You put on your school shoes and walked out the door, making sure to close it quietly. Solomon walked with you, not saying a word but you could guess your notebook was still in his pocket.

You sighed, “Look, Solomon, if you’re not going to give it back to me, then can I just go back home? I’m tired.”

He looked at you with a side glance. “I could tell. You’re still in your uniform.” Pausing for a second, he continued. “Why were you acting weird today? I wouldn’t have expected our dear MC to run off like that, something must be up.”

You looked at the ground, clenching your hands in your pockets and keeping your eyes off him. “What’s it to you?”

He stopped walking, and so did you. He chucked, “As a fellow human exchange student, I only want the best for you.” He took your notebook out of his pocket, placing it in your hands. “If you ever find yourself in need, I will be there, no matter the scenario.”

He pat your head, then walked off, calling behind him. “Good evening, MC.”

You stared at his back, confused. He has never been this close to you, why now? You glanced down at your notebook, where he seemed to have placed a little ripped note on it.

 _  
 **Tearrible**_ mistake _on your behalf, leaving your notebook behind._

_-Solomon :)_

It was a horrible pun, really, but that didn’t stop you from laughing out loud in the middle of the street, facepalming yourself. You turned and walked back to the House of Lamentation, trying to contain your sniggering.

Seeing the house in your view calmed you down a little, and you knew you had to be quiet to avoid Lucifer’s wrath. He could have probably heard you laughing from miles away if he tried hard enough.

You walked up the door and slowly opened it, wincing a little when your shoes scraped the carpet, leaving a little scuff mark. But Lucifer was an extreme perfectionist. He would notice that right away.

Panicking, you half ran to your room and locked it, sliding down the door in disbelief and relief. _Good lord,_ that was terrifying.

Your phone buzzed at the same time you thought that, almost as if in agreement.


	3. Melancholy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The MC gets their first heartbreak after weeks of freezing out their friends, and drama ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has spoilers for up to Chapter 16, so if you haven’t read up to there, do not read this. Also, the MC is gender neutral. This chapter also has scenes containing references to violence and mental health issues, so please do not read if you get triggered. Love you :)

“MC!” You gasped, sitting yourself up. Mammon loomed over you, with a hand outstretched to shake you. You stared at him, not knowing what to do.

You just woke up, having fallen asleep on the couch the minute you got home from school. Absolutely exhausted, you lay down on the couch and used your bag as a pillow and an arm over your eyes to keep the light away.

Once again, today you tried your hardest to shift yourself away from everyone. That meant walking away when they tried to initiate a conversation with you, ignoring messages, calls or whatever and eating somewhere else during lunch- a whole list. They were really invested in you.

Struggling to see due to the intense light, you rubbed your eyes. Mammon was already dressed in his usual clothes with his signature tan jacket. It was pretty, and made him look even more like a model.

You pulled into your collar a bit, feeling awkward to be caught like this. You grabbed your bag and muttered out “Sorry.”, before getting up and turning away, trying to keep your distance.

You felt bad for ignoring him, as Mammon never hurt you once. He even held you in his arms as you died. But you were still afraid of him. You were afraid of his kind, having been murdered by one yourself- his brother, too!

You were afraid of his reaction if he figured out your secret. You didn’t want to hurt him, yourself, or even Belphegor. He had calmed down in the recent weeks, but you could never forget the look he had on his face as he slowly killed you.

Mammon, not having any of your attitude, pulled you by your arm and brought you back to him.

”Hey, MC! Where do ya think you’re going!?” He talk-yelled, clearly agitated at your cold attitude. He twisted you to face him, not noticing your anxious expression.

”I thought we were friends? I thought I was your first man! Why would you- why would you ignore me like this..!” His voice cracked, almost as if he was going to crack himself.

You panicked, not knowing what to say. You didn’t know what to expect from him, but you couldn’t expect anything less than this. He was hurt, and you could tell it from miles away.

Mammon was a kind, sweet individual despite how idiotic he could be. But you didn’t know the extent of his power, with him being the second oldest sibling. You had witnessed Lucifer and Belphegor using their powers, and didn’t want to think about how powerful Mammon would be. It must take a lot for him to snap, seeing how patient he was with the insults he would get from his brothers.

You felt bad for him, but didn’t want to let your guard down. You didn’t want to be betrayed or hurt again. You didn’t want to feel anything at all for the rest of the year until you got to go home.

“MC! Say something, please-! I can’t help you if you won’t tell me. I don’t want you to ignore me anymore, MC, please!” His eyes became glossy and small droplets of tears escaped his eyes.

You felt like crying yourself, too. You didn’t want it go this far. It hurt to see the way his cheeks went red and his eyes swell up with tears.

He was beautiful, nonetheless. Crying or not crying. But you then remembered the way Belphegor lied to you about being human. You knew he wasn’t telling the truth, but you still trusted him. You helped him escape. But in the end, he betrayed you anyways.

He **murdered** you, and left you to die, alone and scared, with no one to hold your hand. Even if you made a pact, you didn’t want to use it as way of controlling them. They’re not puppets, they have feelings too, and pacts go way deeper than just a form of control. You didn’t want to disrespect them in that way.

And that’s why you ran. You ran away from your friends, you ran away from yourself, you ran away from everything. You went from a happy and meaningful person to a traumatised and doubtful person. The other you felt like a lie. You were ashamed of yourself, and would forever be reminded of that.

You walked away from Mammon, ignoring his plea for you to not go. It hurt you, but it was better this way, wasn’t it? A human lifespan can not even compare to that of a demon. Better you distance yourself now then later.

With Mammon’s heartbroken begging in the background, you walked away, zoning the world out and wishing for it to disappear.

* * *

The afternoon was, to say the least, silent. No one spoke a word, and even Asmo who would usually be chattering was quiet, unspeaking. The atmosphere was cold and tense, you could feel it radiating from them, including yourself.

Nothing could be heard except the clattering of cutlery and Beel practically inhaling his food. It was funny, seeing him like that. Oblivious to the awkwardness of today’s dinner.

Mammon sat in his seat, gloomy and depressed. He wouldn’t eat his food, he would just play with it and take small, practically nonexistent bites. You could feel his gaze on you when you weren’t looking.

You remembered the shock and surprise of everyone when they witnessed the “argument” you and Mammon had. They tried to stop you from walking away, with Beel grabbing your hand and Lucifer practically bombarding Mammon with questions.

They tried to get an answer out of you, but you were just too tired and out of zone to answer their questions. Anything they would say to you would just go in one ear, and out the other. They got frustrated at you, but you didn’t notice. You kept on staring at the window outside, the darkness of the Devildom engulfing you.

Finally, they left you alone, unsure of which side to take if there was any. They were worried for you after weeks of your coldness, but they didn’t have it in them to trace it back to Belphegor. They thought you would get over it, seeing that you were alive now, anyway.

It was all too overwhelming that you shut down for a bit, and you forgot how to feel. You were numb. Any gossip, questions or whatever just bounced off you. It was all so dull.

You excused yourself early and allowed Beel to eat your leftovers, not feeling quite hungry yourself. Their gazes fell on you as you left, and then they went back to eating.

You sat in your room, feeling quite sad and tired with everything. Nothing felt right anymore, and it made you nervous. But your room cheered you up a bit. It was beautiful and colourful, the complete opposite of you. The plants growing on your walls and the tree made you feel nostalgic, reminding you of the human world.

A knock on your door shook you out of your thoughts and you turned your head toward it. “Come in.” You said, confused as to who would want to talk to you.

Lucifer came in, looking more worried than stern. You stated at him, confused as to what to do. He wouldn’t usually come into your room like this, or at all, really.

”MC, I have something I wish to speak to you about, regarding the last few weeks.” He wearily spoke, observing you.

”Oh.” You muttered out, unsure as to what to say. He sat next to you on your bed, about to continue.

”I understand something may be bothering you to have made you act as how you are now. And I would like it for you to explain it to me.” His gaze fell on you, unusually soft.

”MC, has any of the lower demons been bothering you? Or Mammon, like today? What is going on, MC?”

You looked at your clenched hands on your lap, scared to talk. No matter how nice was trying to be, you still felt on spot and attacked.

”It’s nothing. I’ll be fine, and tell Mammon I’m sorry.” You whispered, scared to talk anymore.

”MC, the fact that you managed to make Mammon cry today is worrying me. I want to help you, please let me in.” He held out a hand to hold yours, but you wouldn’t let him.

”I’m scared,” you whispered, your voice barely heard. “I’m scared of you guys.”

Lucifer didn’t know what to think, but you wouldn’t let him, before you ran out of your room, heading towards the front door.

”MC!” Lucifer yelled, shocked at your sudden outburst.

Bur you didn’t listen, you didn’t even wait to put on your shoes before you ran out of the House of Lamentation. You ran, and ran until you were a good few miles away from there. Your feet hurt, but you were glad that you wore socks. At least they wouldn’t be dirty.

It was evening and dark, so not many people were outside. You wandered around, alone and cold. It was better than being put on the spot like that.

The wind blew and goosebumps appeared on your skin, the cold intensifying.you walked into a random park, much different than the one you usually go to.

It was entirely deserted and you were glad for that. You would be by yourself, just the way you liked it.

You sat down on a bench, pulling out your phone. You had multiple missed calls from everyone and a whole bunch of texts. Especially from Levi, he was still going on.

You shut off your phone and placed it back in your pocket, leaning forward to stare at the place around you.

It was darker than it usually was in the Devildom, with everything being barely visible. It was scarily quieter than usual, not even the Devildom birds were chirping.

The only thing that could be heard was the sound of the water from the ponds, looking eerily shiny.

You felt something, or _someone,_ behind you. The hair on on the back of your neck stood up, and you froze, worrying for yourself.

Then you felt a hand on your shoulder.

”Hello, MC.”


	4. Lament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The MC finds shelter and solace from a few friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This contains spoilers for up to Chapter 16, so if you haven’t read up to there, do not read this. Also, the MC is gender neutral.

“Hello, MC.” Solomon spoke behind you, his hand resting on your shoulder. He was dressed in his usual attire with a cape and his signature smile on his face.

“Solomon?” You were confused, why was he here? And at this hour too?

“Why- why are you here? It’s late, and dark. Aren’t you supposed to be at the dorms with Simeon and Luke?”

“Yes, but, well...” He carried off, looking to the side as though he was trying to hide something, but wasn’t really trying his best at all. He could pretend better than this, you’ve seen him.

You realised what he was up to- he was trying to get you to go back to the House of Lamentation. Asmo must have texted him what happened, and so he set off searching for you. Damn it.

”I know what you’re trying to do, and no! I’m not going back there, you can’t make me. I’m so done with everything!”

“This is none of your business.” You turned away from him, shoving his hand off you. You then walked away, muttering “Leave me alone.”

You walked away for a few seconds but could then hear his footsteps a few metres behind you. You picked up the pace, expecting him to take the hint and go on his merry way.

But he didn’t, and continued to follow you from a few metres away. How annoying.

Your eyebrows furrowed, annoyed from his antics. You clenched your fists and suddenly turned around, ready to yell at him to leave you alone.

But there was no one there. It was as if he disappeared. You stood there dumbly, not knowing what to do. It was probably the best course of action to just get as far away as you could.

You would walk to even the far side of the Devildom if it meant you could get away from all you knew here.

You walked for what seemed to be hours on hand, but in reality, you’d only been walking for an hour or two- you didn’t really remember the time.

It was pitch black and quiet, with no soul in sight. The air was frosty and unwelcoming, the wind threatening to blow you away.

The stores were all shut and dark, all the employees having gone home and the world silent. The only thing you could see or hear were the animals.

Satan would’ve loved this part of town, there were many stray cats in sight. You smiled and bent down, letting the cats rub their faces in the palm of your hand, purring and their tails curling at the end, how sweet.

You couldn’t recognise anything at this point, having truly been lost in the Devildom. Maybe one of them would take pity on you and end your misery. If only.

Everything seemed to blur together as the darkness wrapped around you like rope, blinding and binding you.

You were now a runaway, completely lost in this unknown and horrifying world.

But somehow, you weren’t scared, you were relieved. A weight having been lifted off your chest, allowing you to breathe. For the first time in months, you felt free. _Free._

It was an amazing sensation, and you wanted it to last for as long as you could. Nothing and no one to bother you.

Why would anyone have ever expected you to have forgotten or forgiven what Belphegor had done to you? 

What he’d done to you had and will linger behind you for the rest of you life. The way he murdered you with his cold hands will never leave your head, torturing your soul and body for as long as it had power.

You never used to be scared of a demons’ power before freeing Belphegor, but after getting murdered, your entire view on it changed completely. It changed you.

The brothers may never understand, having been living for thousands of years before you had even existed. And they will continue on existing for thousands of more years to come.

And at some point, they will forget you. It was inevitable.

And when Belphegor didn’t hesitate to lay waste to your life, why should the others?

Your feet started to ache from your little adventure, but you didn’t have anywhere to go. Maybe this was a bad idea, to have run away from the only home you knew and had.

Panic dug into your chest as you feared for yourself. This was.. this _was_ a bad idea, you should have just gave up and went back hours ago, but you were lost.

God, how _stupid_ could you be?

”Why, MC. I’m surprised to see you here.” 

Your head snapped back, tears already threatening to escape. Simeon was there, in his all his glory and beauty.

”I- Simeon..”

He held out a hand to you, “MC, you wouldn’t be lost, would you? Come with me, I can help you.” He spoke in a voice so soft and understanding, that you couldn’t help but feel drawn to him. 

It made you feel so much better, and so you let him whisk you away, like a helpless, little doll..

* * *

A warm cup of green tea lay snugly in the palm of your hands, as you kept your eyes on your lap.

Simeon brought you back to his dorm, where Solomon and Luke had been waiting for you patiently.

They got notified of your outburst by Lucifer and Asmo, and decided the best thing for you would be to just bring you back to their dorms, where you could stay for as long as you needed.

The minute Luke saw you, he grabbed onto you and cried, all the while muttering how worried he’d been for you, thinking that you’d been eaten by a demon for not responding to his messages.

Solomon expected you to have given up the minute he walked away, and to have followed him back to his dorm. It was an unpleasant shock when you hadn’t, but he waited for you patiently, not knowing that you tried to get yourself to the far side of the Devildom. He was _this_ close to flicking you when he found out what you had really been doing.

Simeon was sweet enough to go out and look for you when the time got late, and was fortunate enough to have found you in a casual and serene part of town. He may not have looked like it, but he was extremely worried for you. 

When Simeon brought you in, they fussed over you a whole lot. Luke made you a cup of tea and Solomon threw a whole bunch of blankets on you, too nervous to wrap them around you himself. It was cute when he blushed.

You hadn’t said anything, but you were silently thanking them for everything, and you knew they understood.

They asked you if you wanted to let Lucifer and his brothers know what happened yourself, but you said that you would do it later. You would need to build up the energy to have Lucifer’s ramblings pass right through you.

“MC.” Simeon day next to you, placing a hand on yours discreetly.

”Where would you like to sleep tonight?”

Your eyes widened, _where would you sleep tonight?_

There were no more dorms available. And if you were to sleep in either Simeon’s or Solomon’s rooms, people may get the wrong idea.

”I can sleep on Luke’s couch, if that’s okay with him?” Simeon called out to Luke, who ran in immediately after like a puppy, cute and all.

”Oh, yes, MC! You can stay with me on my sofa, that’d be great!” He acted so cutely that you couldn’t help but smile at him, the first time in ages.

Solomon and Simeon left, leaving you and Luke in his dorm. Tomorrow, you would be skipping school to get a few of your belongings for the time you would be spending here. But for now, you would sleep in the clothes you came in with.

As you lay on the sofa, with your eyes closed, you imagined someplace where everything would feel right for once in your life.

It was only a dream, but you cherished it, holding onto it as though it was an anchor, keeping you stable and in place.

Then at once, the worries of tomorrow and onward disappeared.


	5. Withdrawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The MC skips class and runs into problems soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This contains spoilers for up to Chapter 16. If you haven’t read up to that point, don’t read this. Also, the MC is gender neutral. This chapter has scenes describing blood, wounds and stitching.

_You did not know if your eyes were open, swirling darkness blinding you everywhere you looked. The air was frosty and cold, chilling you to your very bones._

_It was silent, but muffled. You opened your mouth to speak but nothing could be heard. The silence engulfed you, lulling you to a sinister lullaby._

_The darkness pierced your skin, biting you with its horrible, sharp claws. Black ink swirled through your skin like a tattoo, slowly spreading through your body._

_You could breathe it in, you could feel the ink choke you from the inside and drown you slowly, filling your lungs with a feeling of desperation as you clawed at your chest for air._

_It trickled down your hair, turning it into a beautifully menacing black, intoxicating you with pleasure._

_It whispered in your ears, muttering a mad gibberish than you could not understand. It forced you into submission, your knees buckling and your body lurching forward as though you were a marionette._

_Its whispers echoed in your ears, bouncing and ringing on and off. It all merged into one, deafening you._

_You could taste it. It tasted like deep mourning, melancholy, the feeling of hopelessness and anguish. A pure lamentation._

_Everything came to a still, yet you could feel a presence behind you, frost nipping at your skin as the hair on your neck stood at its end._

_You could breath, but it did not feel full. You could breathe, yet it poisoned your insides._

_You could breathe, but you were dying._

_His voice cut through the air._

_It hurt. It murdered. It killed._

_His eyes turned dark and soulless, filled with emptiness and sorrow of a malicious kind._

_His arms wrapped themselves around you, bringing your bodies together as dread coursed through your icy veins, your body unwilling to move._

_His hands found themselves wrapped around your neck, slithering around you like a snake._

_”Oh, my dear, sweet MC...” His lips curled into a venomous smile, the whispers ringing in your ears like alarms, the volume increasing by the second._

_”It’s too bad that I **hate** humans, you see.” He closed his eyes, relishing the aroma of fear dancing around the both of you._

_”Otherwise, we may have gotten along quite well.” His claws dug into your neck, your body limp against his._

_The only thing you could see was the glow of his eyes, crinkled with the pleasure of watching you die, unable to move and unable to speak._

_Before the world melted away, and your soul ceased to exist in such a transparent, spurious world._

* * *

”MC-“ A hand swatted at your shoulder, shaking you from your spot on the sofa.

”MC! Wake up!” You hit whoever it was standing over you, refusing to open your eyes.

Suddenly, a rush of cold water creeped down your neck and you jumped forward, shivering.

Luke stood over your form, looking guilty and holding an empty cup. He was already dressed in his usual attire, beret and all. You stared at him, and he nervously looked away from you.

”Uh, MC! I’m sorry, but- but you were gonna be late if you didn’t wake up, and I don’t want you to be late so I had to throw water at you.. It wasn’t a lot though! Just a-“ 

You hushed him, putting a finger to his lips in your drowsy state. “Luke, I understand. Just, let me relax for a bit. I can run to school, we’re at the dormitories anyway.”

He nodded his head vigorously in response, still feeling guilty for his method of awakening you.

”Uh, MC..” You turned your head toward him, eyes droopy.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you when you, uh, were crying last night..” Your head tilted in confusion, _what did he mean by crying last night?_

He rambled on, ”I could hear you crying, but I didn’t come to help you, I’m really, really sorry!” He exclaimed, clenching his fists in shame.

”Wait, crying? Luke, I don’t remember crying last night. I went straight to bed.” His eyes widened, clearly as confused as you were.

”But, I could- I could hear you crying. Look, there are tear marks on your pillow right there!” Your head snapped to where your head had just been resting a few minutes ago. And sure enough, there were really tear stains.

Your fingers unconsciously brushed your cheeks as you looked back at Luke, who stared at you in bewilderment as you had done the same.

* * *

“MC, will you really be going to school without your uniform on? Won’t you just get sent back home?” Simeon spoke, his beautiful eyes staring at yours.

”Yeah. Either I go, or don’t go. I’m pretty sure they’d rather I go.” You nonchalantly replied, not looking at him as you fixed your hair.

”Hey, uh, how about you guys go on to school without me? I might take long, due to, uh, stuff...?” You tried your best to act as casual as you could, and hoped he’d fall for the trick.

He sighed and smiled at you, “Okay, we’ll see you at school, alright? Don’t take too long.”

 _Thank goodness he took the bait,_ otherwise you would really have to go to school. Who could be asked to go to school, knowing that there would be a whole bunch of drama for you waiting? Goodness, not you.

You heard the groups footsteps become more quiet and quieter, until they couldn’t be heard at all. You silently opened the door and stuck your head out, looking at both sides of the hallway.

You then closed the door and sighed in relief, standing by yourself in Luke’s dorm. He wouldn’t mind, would he? You _needed_ this day for yourself, with a capital N.

You opened the door and then locked it with the spare key Luke handed to you, and took off in the other direction, your eyes set on going back to the House of Lamentation to collect your things.  
  


* * *

The floorboards creaked as you silently stepped into the house, closing the door behind you and attempting to try your best at staying as unnoticed as possible, like a mouse.

Nothing could be heard except for the silent, squeaky noise your feet made as they stepped on the floorboards, Trying your best to keep them as short and silent.

You opened the door of your room, rushing in there as fast as you could and shutting the door. Everything was in its same place as you had left it last night, your bed unmade and your clothes in heaps of piles everywhere.

You quickly gathered your school clothes, your laptop, essential items and anymore things you would need. You didn’t plan on staying here for a little bit, maybe a few weeks. You could probably couch-surf between dorms. If they let you, of course. If they didn’t, you always could just roam around for a little bit, pulling all-nighters.

The minute your grabbed your laptop, the shelf above it collapsed and fell, causing a huge ruckus. Your body froze still and your breaths could barely be heard as the ruckus ceased. Flower pots fell from the shelf and broke, cutting your hand.

You winced and pulled it back, wiping the blood on your shirt, and trying to apply pressure. It still bled quite heavily, and it looked as though you would need stitches, but you were no professional.

Something ran across the hallway, making their way towards your room, you closed your eyes and tried to shut it out, facing the other way when they opened the door, panting.

”MAMMON! What the hell-“

Levi burst into the room, his phone in one hand and a violent aura being emitted off him.

”Wait, you’re not Mammon! You’re MC!” He breathed in deeply, out of breath.

”I thought Mammon was in here stealing your things, what are you doing here? Didn’t you run away?” He eyed the bag in your hand, full of your belongings.

”Oh..” His eyes darkened, an envious tone surfacing in his voice.

”So you’ve ditched us, huh?” He grabbed your injured hand and pulled you closer, betrayal swirling in his eyes.

”MC..” He noticed your pained expression and looked down at both of your hands intertwined, feeling the blood ooze out of your wounds, a horrible contrast to his pale skin.

He looked back at your desk where broken flower pots lay, shattered into fragments.

”Oh, shoot! Uh, we have a med kit in the kitchen, follow me!” 

He ran off to the kitchen, with you trailing not too far behind. He grabbed a small kit off the top of the refrigerator and opened it, pulling out surgical thread and a needle. You winced at the sight of it.

”I’ve done this before- for reasons I’m NOT going to say- but it might hurt for you because you’re human. I’ll try my best, but I can’t guarantee anything.”

Blood was beginning to drip into the table, and so you tied your best to stay still as he disinfected it, trying to wash off the blood at the same time.

When he pierced your skin with the needle, you hissed in pain- and Levi anxiously went red, worried for you. When he finished, he bandaged it and put everything away.

”Levi?” He turned towards you, humming in response.

”I’m sorry for getting blood on you, if you want, you can change and I’ll wait.” He looked down, noticing the blood on his shirt, but then also noticed the blood on yours, too. He raised an eyebrow jokingly.

”Okay, okay, I’ll change mine too.” You smiled in response, happy that Levi was still treating you nicely.

You went to your room and Levi went to his. There was still broken fragments everywhere, so you would need to be careful. Especially of your hand, too.

You changed your clothes and put the other one away for dirty laundry, forgetting about what you really came here to do. You noticed the bag sitting idly on a chair and picked it up, finally getting your laptop and placing it inside of your bag.

You heard him come inside of your room and close the door, walking behind you. You hummed and slung the bag over your shoulders, finally turning around.

”Oh--“ Your words died in your mouth before you spoke, recognising the person in front of you.

Belphegor.

He stood in front of you, his tall figure looming over you and his usual frown on his gorgeous, yet evil face.

”MC,” he smiled in relief, yet still looking tired and drowsy. “We looked for you for so long.”

You shifted anxiously, your eyes darting everywhere but on him. “I-I know. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you guys.” You meekly responded, feeling intimidated by his figure.

He noticed the bag in your hands and his expression soured within less than a second.

”MC.” His voice willed you to look at him, your eyes meeting his.

”You’re leaving?” He looked so hurt, so _vulnerable,_ his eyes glistening with crushed hope, his bottom lip trembling with sadness.

His eyes hooked onto yours, the world being zoned out as you could feel yourself being pulled in, your mind in a drowsy state as your body took a life of its own, unwilling to obey your commands.

”Belphegor...” your lips whispered out his name in a weak tone, feeling ever so sorry for him. You didn’t realise it, but you were falling deeper into his spell, sin ravaging his aura as he willed you to close in on him and forget your _tantrum_ so you wouldn’t leave him behind.

Levi’s voice cut through the air as he crashed inside, holding his phone in the air with a worrying expression.

”MC, they’re on their way here!”

Belphegor and you separated as Levi jumped in, practically bouncing with energy as he yelled.

”Levi, Belphegor,” you worriedly spoke up, not wanting to be discovered here, especially since after skipping school.

”I need your help to hide me.”


	6. Conceal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The MC is witnessed having a breakdown, and their true feelings are exposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has spoilers for up to Chapter 16, so if you haven’t read up to there, don’t read this. Also, the MC is gender neutral. This chapter contains triggering scenes, read at your own risk.

You heard the front door click open and a group of voices rushing in from the entrance. You stood still, panicked and frozen- your mind completely blank. You picked up your bags and ran out of your room and to the only place you knew you could go.

You sprinted across the hallway. It was hard to run with the bags in your hands, and you couldn’t help but drop a few things.

You stopped in front of the dollhouse and remembered the time when you and Beel looked for Luke in there after he disappeared inside of the closet.

You noticed the riddle engraved in the small walls of the dollhouse, written in the language of angels, which Beel translated for you.

_When the morning star dwelt in the heavens, its light shone down upon this one, sparkling brilliantly, the eighth of the eight._

Your fingers brushed the wood, an aura of melancholy radiating from the slightest touch.

”The morning star was another name for Lucifer,” you spoke out loud, “And the eighth child of the eight was Lilith.”

A blinding, white light engulfed you and you felt as though you were floating, suspended in midair. Everything ceased to exist for a moment, and you held your breath, keeping your eyes shut.

At last, a hard floor emerged from beneath you and you feet stood upon it. You opened your eyes to find yourself in Lilith’s room.

All the furniture was still draped in white, bland sheets that took away the beauty of this place. It held melancholy, pain and grief, yet you could sense the memories that once made this place so special. It almost made you feel bad to be breaking into it.

You let go of your bags and sat down, pulling your knees up to your chest and letting yourself rest for what felt like eternity. God, you were _exhausted._

You heard a _ping!_ from your phone and picked it up, seeing a few texts from Beel. You hesitated for a few seconds, but opened up the app anyways. It’s not as though he could find you just by reading his texts, right?

_Beel_

_Hey, MC._

_I know a lot has happened these past few months and you probably don’t want to talk to me, but.._

_Please, just hear me out, okay? If I can’t talk to you physically, this is the second best I can do._

_I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you, MC. I know that I’ve been absolutely selfish for not being able to tell how you’ve been feeling for however long it’s been going on, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you before it escalated, I shouldn’t have ignored your feelings._

_I don’t want to make this too long, so I’ll try and keep it short. MC, I only want to help you- we all do. And I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m concerned for you. I’m not mad at you for running away, I’m mad at myself for not knowing why. I could have helped you, and I didn’t. I didn’t even notice. We just want the best for you, Belphie included. Even if he might be the cause of this._

_You’re so kind and considerate, and I’m ashamed of myself for not being the same back. Please forgive me if you can find it in your heart to do so._

_-Beel._

You felt an air of shame around you. Beel had a heart the same size as his hunger, and it hurt to see feel the sadness from his apology.

Maybe, it was time for you to stop being so evasive... maybe- it was time for you to answer their questions, to reveal what you truly felt on the inside.

It had tormented you for so long, the fear of being exposed, stripped naked for everyone to see what truly hid underneath- for them to be broken from their masks and lenses of lies and ignorance.

_Was it really worth it? Was it worth it to worry about this for the rest of your minuscule, almost pointless life? Did **they** deserve your lies?_

Were _you_ worth it?

As sweet as they were, they were demons, in the end. Angels that fell from grace, their souls corrupted and blackened, their purity decayed and rotten.

How could they _possibly_ understand? They couldn’t understand. Why should they? Human lives were pointless and non existent when compared to theirs. Humans were weak and vulnerable, easily manipulated with just a few sentences.

Did they truly care for you at all? Did they only think of you as a replacement for their late, dear sister? Another _Lilith?_

Would you have been discarded and thrown away like trash if they did not know of your heritage? After all, the apple never falls far from the tree.

It was hard to trust people in the Devildom. It was hard to trust anyone at all, really. It was suffocating being so.. _alone,_ no matter how isolated and distant you were.

It felt hard to breathe, again. The air felt constricting and hot.

No one could be trusted.

No one at all.

You let out a strangled sob, tears pouring down your reddened cheeks as you held onto yourself from comfort, crying for some sort of _validation._

You felt weak and pathetic, and brushed your hand in your hair as you tried to console yourself as silently as you could. You were truly alone. Vulnerable and scarred on the inside and outside. Maybe there really was no hope for you.

Salty, hot tears rushed down your cheeks. You couldn’t help but sob uncontrollably, your back arched and your arms wrapping around your shaking body.

Everything _hurt_ so much, it felt as though you were being strangled again, pinned to the wall and unable to move. It was like dying all over again, and you couldn’t help but scream.

It felt like something was suffocating you, sitting on your chest like a bag of bricks. The wind blew and you jumped, terrified of being attacked in your horrible, sensitive state.

You hid your face in your hands and sink down to the floor, wishing to disappear and never come back. What _hope_ was there left? What was the _point_ of your existence?

You screamed in your hands and went rigid, your entire body full of raw emotion.

Everything was tuned out. The world simply didn’t exist anymore, and neither did anyone else. Except you.

And maybe that was the reason you failed to notice someone else entering the room, completely flabbergasted at what was happening in front of them.

”MC!” Beelyelled, frozen in a state of panic and pulsing waves of anger. It was absolutely _horrific_ to witness you crying and screaming on the floor, holding onto yourself hard enough to leave bruises. He would later slap himself for being so damn _ignorant._

He immediately fell to the floor and tried to hold you. He wanted to console you, to _comfort_ you, but he couldn’t.

You felt absolutely vulnerable and exposed. It was like reliving your death at the hands of Belphegor, and so when Beel tried to touch you, you screamed and crawled away from him, shifting yourself into the corner so he wasn’t even in arms length of you.

He immediately recoiled when you screamed, and felt his heart drop at the sight of you cowering away like a poor lamb.

You wailed, “Don’t touch me! Stop- get- get away from me!” You pulled up your knees and wrapped your arms around them, trying to disappear, if you could.

”Please- don’t _hurt_ me- not again! Leave me alone- I beg you!”

Beel shuffled closer, and tried to talk in his most calm and quiet voice he could do he wouldn’t rattle you anymore.

”MC, it’s Beel, I’m not-“ he felt disgusted at seeing what his twin had done to you. He had broken you far from recognition, shattered you into pieces and left you by yourself to pick them up. And the worst thing was that he _allowed_ him to. It was almost as repulsive as doing it himself. “I’m not Belphie. I’m not going to hurt you,”

He held his arms wide enough for you to crawl into his embrace. “I want to help, MC. Please listen, I’m here for you.

You looked up at him, shaken and tear-ridden, ashamed of mistaking him as a _monster._

”B-Beel...?” You whispered, your voice raspy and quiet.

He nodded, “Yes, MC. It’s me.” 

You jumped into his embrace, sobbing. He wrapped his arms around you and sat there, waiting for you to calm down, almost crying himself.

You two sat there for a while, not saying anything but appreciating each other’s company. Everything came to a standstill, and you were glad that nothing could be heard from here.

“I’m sorry.” You spoke, ashamed of being seen like _this,_ so _exposed_ and _weak._

He looked down at you and shook his head, “No, MC. You’re not the one who should be apologising, that should be me.”

”I wish I noticed, I’m so sorry.”

It was probably enough, at this point. If you had to put up with this for any longer, you may as well just not put up with anything, and let go.

If your life was just gonna be full of this horrible torture, the only way to be rid of this was to not be here any longer. To cease to live.

If only you could just double over and die. You would be so grateful to the demon that would end your misery in this twisted universe.

Your stupid, worthless life had no meaning anyway. There was nothing permanent in life. Friends would drift away, no matter how close you were or how long you’d know each other. And family members could not live forever either.

One day, you wouldn’t live. Be it at your hands or someone else’s. Maybe even nature.

It felt pathetic and shameful to be seen like this, to _feel_ like this. What was the point in living any longer?

People would laugh at you, they would judge you, they would hurt you- no matter if they were an angel, a demon or human. You would forever be judged.

Maybe some people thought of you as confident; maybe some of them thought of you as kind or considerate. Hell, maybe some of them thought of you as hardheaded or stubborn.

If you were to change yourself, you would always have a different version of yourself in everyone’s head. There would never be the same version of yourself in anyone’s mind. What was the point in redemption? There would always be a _you_ that you would not want to be thought as.

You were tired of thinking. You were tired of everything. You kept your arms around Beel and eased your body, letting yourself relax. He wrapped his arms around your body and scooped you up, letting you rest yourself against him.

He kissed the top of your head and whispered, “I’ll make everything right, MC. I swear.”

_How **sweet** of him._

Your weary, red eyes closed, and you drifted away to a world where nothing could hurt you, and you were at peace. Away from this corrupt reality and hollow world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all and I’m aware that this chapter can bring up bad feelings in people. So if you’re hurting and/or at risk of suicide or self harm, just know that I’m here for you, and you can talk to me if you’d like to vent or want advice. But if you want, you can also call up a helpline for whatever it is you’re going through. I just want you all to be safe, okay? <3


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